Just… something I came across that made me laugh.

Barbie’s letter to Santa….
 
Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I’ve been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing
suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is DEFINITELY pay back
time!!

There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I’m gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don’t want to be around to smell it!) So, here’s my holiday wish list for this year, Santa.

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I’m sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are
these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and mold imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!!!

3. A REAL man….maybe G.I.Joe. Hell, I’d take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what’s with the earring
anyway? If I’m going to have to suffer with him, for christ’s sakes, make us anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don’t care whose arm you have to twist, just do it!!

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don’t cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!!

8. A new, more 90’s persona. Maybe a "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with fake fur coat, bottle of spray blood and handcuffs; or "Stop
Smoking Barbie", sporting a Nicotine patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. mattel stock options. It’s been 37 years-I think I deserve it!

Okay Santa, that’s it. considering my valuable contribution to society, I don’t think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It’s that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie

 

 

Ken’s letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.

In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment-the bitch has EVERYTHING!! I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hairstyle. I personally have 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorise my outfits with an earring was my
decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you considered :"Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of Work Actor Ken"? In
addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as:"S&M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken".

These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can"push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick that bitch to the curb.

Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations-we’ve talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action taken by myself and
others.

PS. Barbie can forget about having Joe-he’s mine, at least that is what he said last night.

Sincerely,
Ken

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12 Responses to “Just… something I came across that made me laugh.”

  1. Planet Nicola Says:

    It\’s your birthday? Thursday?? WoooooooooooooHOooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOO….I\’m s0 excited for you, Daffy!! (and pleased that I\’m not the only sad chuffer in the world who doesn\’t have a tree!)I will defintley send you something! No money though, because i\’m uber skint with all those shit decorations I so stupidlywasted my brass on. he he I laughed my jingly bits off at this ^ Did something similar years ago with a friend (the photo\’s i mean…not got in bed witha Ken!) oh I have to find the pictures now -It was a Sindy cocktail party – gone wrong : )It was the years when Sindy looked like a Sindy -and not a – barbie! : )Have a great evening xxxxx

  2. I read it out to stu and was like heheh and he just laughed and said \’oh dear\’.

  3. Hey hun thanks for the bday wishes make sure you have a great one on thurs,i cant even drink 2moz as gota start my antibiotics n steroids!xs m xs

  4. LMAO!!! This one will go on some kind of top ten I\’m sure! Well it has to… the wittyness of it is beyond average and okee cokee I be rambling and spelling things wrongly! Plus I am busy defusing a nuke so I shall shush and focus all my mental power on it….BOOOOOOOM! :oPLUV n HUGS!!!BBFNHB!!!(^_^)XXXXXX

  5. Planet Nicola Says:

    ken: he looks strangely hypnotised doesn\’t he? And it\’s funny how he has the quilt so conveniently placed, as to hidehis…um…embaressment. He should get in touch with Megahard*on about that!!! lmfao!xxx

  6. i\’ve just noticed that ken has money in his hand. why would this be?! and it appears to be 100 barbie monies…aaaaaaahhhhh my fraigile little mind cant take it anymore! :Olove taryn xxx

  7. Dont kno about the Microsoft thing friendly duck. I\’ve extended the blog wiv further info saying that millions of \’pooters have bee affected. You pays your money, you takes your choice.I am somewhat begrudgingly heading graduallly in the facebook direction \’cos I often go days wivout anyone replying to my comments. Some have given up Spaces, some are hibernating and some are still disoiented by the changes, I guessHugs

  8. Hey Daf, that Barbie\’s one mean biatch. If she wants to stop being looked upon as a whore, I suggest she stops behaving like one. I\’ll tell her next time she calls.As for the Advent calendar, it would have continued through the weekend, but for some reason my phone wouldn\’t let me "publish" my carefully prepared draft entries….. and I\’d be damned if I was paying the small fortune that Travelodge wanted for 20 minutes on their internet terminals.I\’ve also relinked Day 15 too. Thanks for pointing out it\’s emptyness.Right, gotta go. Need to find a shop that sells silver, helium-filled balloons.Much love and laughter to you,Stevexxx

  9. I\’ll have you know I\’m very qualified in bomb disposal. Its quite simple really. to dispose of a bomb, you simply have to pop a bin bag over it and it covers up the blast, then ya just let her pop! Granted you\’re bound to get a few bits of bin liner in your hair, but that\’s easily brush outable. I\’m waffling here. I\’m not sure whether I mentioned it but I am deathly ill. My head feels like a balloon filled with molted lead, then hit with a hammer, then having someone shove a cheese grater down my throat with a saw.It sucks being poorly. ANYWAY, I don\’t wanna ramble on about that. Coz I have news. It\’s now the law that you have to wear two pairs of underwear in Russia…. At least I think it is.. I might have hallucinated that :oPANYWAY, shutting up now coz I think I\’m becomming a pest.LUV n HUGS!!!BBFNHB!!!(^_^)xxxxxxx

  10. Happy Birthday Daf.Have a great one.Love & Laughter to you always,Stevexxx

  11. Planet Nicola Says:

    Happy birthday to YOU!!happy birthday to YOUUUU!!happy birthday deaaaaar Daffffyyyyyhappy Birthdayyyyy tooooo….tooooo….toooo…tooooooooooooooooooo…… toooooooooooooooooooooooo (runs out of puff)YOUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XXXXXhappy birthday Daffy!!i hope you have a lovely lovely day and that you get what you wished for(um, big bottle of voddy! lol) XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Mwah! x

  12. Planet Nicola Says:

    i\’ll send you a surprise later on today… ! xxxx

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