Warning – rather long blog comin atchya…

So my folks are finally starting to get their heads round the wonders of t’internet.  Got a call off my mam, chuffed to bits cos instead of trawling down to the library to look for a book that was almost definitely out anyway, to find one of her favourite poems.  she found it in a second on the internet (how much do we take this thing for granted after a while?). This is her poem and the worrying thing is she absolutely means it (although being as she’s nearly 70 Im not entirely sure when she thinks old age starts)
 
 

                      Warning

 

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we’ve no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I’m tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick flowers in other people’s gardens
And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

Jenny Joseph

………………………

So being as I am still recovering from my nasty bout of lurgy and have absolutely no life at the moment, I havent actually done anything lately but sit n sniff alot. So instead of a ‘things what I did’ blog Ill tell ya some of my fave one liners……….

 

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants. The bartender says to him "sir do you know there’s a steering wheel in your pants?" The man answers " "yes I know. It’s driving me nuts."
 
A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.
 
A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces, "I’m lookin’ fer the man that shot my paw."
 
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, …. and one for the road."
 
A bear walks into a bar and says, "I’d like a beer………………………….and a glass of water."   The bartender says, "Sure, but why the big paws?"

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
 
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
 
A three year old is looking down at his testicles and says "Mum are these my brains" she answers "Not yet son"
 
No machine can do my job until it learns to drink.
 
If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
 
They say that 75% of your body heat escapes through the top of your head, which sounds like you could go skiing with nothing on but  a good hat.

Reckon being as it’s me I should wrap things up with a duck joke….

 

 

A lawer was hunting ducks in Texas on the border of a large ranch. A flock of ducks flew over and the lawer shot a duck that landed on the other side of the fence belonging to the ranch.

As he climbed over the fence to retreive his duck the old ranch owner came driving across the field to the lawer and said to him, "Your on private property and you’ll have to leave."

The lawer said to the ranch owner, "I’m the most powerful lawer in New York and if you don’t let me retreive my duck, I’ll have you arrested, jailed and I’ll own your ranch."

"Well" said the old farmer, "That’s not how we do things here in Texas. We have a way to settle things on our own." He said, "I take three punches at you and you take three punches at me and we continue till one of us gives up. Then that’s who wins."

So the lawer figuring this is an old man so he will do it the Texas way.

So the old man goes first punching the lawer in the stomach so hard he doubled over in pain, then punches him in the head so hard he flips over and lands on his back, then he kickes him in the groin with all he has.

The lawer stumbles to his feet shrugging off the pain but knowing he was going next and says, "OK I believe its my turn."

The old farmer says, "No that’s OK, I give up, you can have the duck."

 

 

Advertisements

10 Responses to “Warning – rather long blog comin atchya…”

  1. Ha! I like that poem.. although I am a bit like that already!!! I didn\’t know you had been ill, I hope you\’re feeling better now xxx

  2. he he(What\’s a Lawer ?)DohTCCx

  3. Since "lawer" IS an acceptable alternative spelling of "lawyer", I think criticism of your spelling is a bit harsh.I suppose I have to admit to laughing at at least one of your jokes. The "man that shot my paw" one made me laugh a lot.Thank you.Love & Laughter to you babe,Stevexxx

  4. Muchly enjoyed the poem but I gotta say… the one liner about wearing jsut a hat for skiing…. I dunno… I imagine that cold breeze would make bits n bobs shrivel a bit!BRRRRR *giggles*LUV n HUGS!!!BBFNHB!!!(^_^)XXXXXXX………

  5. Playjerisim eh ?

  6. Hiya. Thanks for popping by my space yesterday. Yes, I had a very pleasant St Valentine\’s Day, thank you. I don\’t recall last year\’s but I guess you might be right about me having a moan. I do tend to do that from time to time.Hope you\’re feeling much better, and back to your usual happy and reasonably raunchy, incredibly droll, extreme naughtiness.Love & Laughter to you,Steve(and no, I refuse to point out your ironic spelling of "criticism" in my space)

  7. Ohhh that poem is great, made me chuckle to mesen no end, I collect pens and pencils and put them in boxes already lmao. But I am looking forward to going out dressed all mismatched pmsl. I might have to get into some role play and see what collection of outfits I can have ready lmao. Do I really have to have shoes and bag that don\’t match??????Hope you\’re back up to full fitness soon, brewery is struggling as it is without you stopping in! It\’s just bad and wrong lol.Bright blessings xxx

  8. Brilliant duck joke Your Maj and I have to say that, given recent happenings, I probably appreciate the Elvis one liner more than most……..oh how we laughed ;oDGlad you\’re feeling better enough to wander around and leave drunken comments……..there\’s a sure sign that you\’re well in the way to a full recovery ;o)Hugs Toots xx

  9. D\’ya know……..I swear that spaces changes my spelling whilst it\’s posting my comments! If there are any swelling mistakes n this comment then it\’s nothing to do with me!!!T xx

  10. Oh and why does it say (Available) next to my name………makes me sound like a loose woman!T xx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: