One for Mothers day.

So I know this is a tad late in the day,  but Ive kinda had my hands full what with being both a mother and a daughter.  Its been a really lovely day, with the house full of family.  Definitely a day to count my blessings. Anyway some mothers day chuckles…..

 

Prison Versus Housewives

In prison, you get three square meals a day.
At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.

In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.
At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can’t sleep without his latest lego creation.

In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even.
At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.

In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.
At home, you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years.

In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.
At home, you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.

In prison, you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space.
At home, you get to clean your space and everyone else’s space, too, and what the heck is free time again?

In prison, you get your own personal toilet.
At home, you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you’re done so you can do something for them.

In prison, the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.
At home, you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else’s, and get yelled at because somebody’s favorite shirt isn’t clean.

In prison, they take you everywhere you need to go.
At home, you take everybody else where they need to go.

In prison, the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing.
At home, you have to lug around everybody else’s stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last fiver.

In prison, there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn’t.
At home….stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?

 
…………..
 
Evolution of motherhood
 
Your Clothes –

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.

The Baby’s Name –

1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!

Preparing for the Birth –

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don’t bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette –

1st baby: You prewash your newborn’s clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?

Worries –

1st baby: At the first sign of distress – a whimper, a frown – you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities –

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out –

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home –

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

…………….
 
Things Mom Would Never Say…..

  1. "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
  2. "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
  3. "Just leave all the lights on … it makes the house look more cheery"
  4. "Let me smell that shirt — Yeah, it’s good for another week"
  5. "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
  6. "Well, if Timmy’s mom says it’s OK, that’s good enough for me."
  7. "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It’s not like I’m running a prison around here."
  8. "I don’t have a tissue with me … just use your sleeve"
  9. "Don’t bother wearing a jacket – the wind-chill is bound to improve"
Advertisements

3 Responses to “One for Mothers day.”

  1. DragonBoy Says:

    Heeeeeeeey… Wotcha Daff… \’Scuse all the huffle and kerfuffle but I seem to have lost a weekend. Last time I can remember seeing it was last friday but it seems to have upped and disappeared. I reckon it must be in the same place as all the odd socks that mysteriously disappear. If ever a fashion rears it\’s head for wearing odd socks (and that\’s odd in the fact that they don\’t match… my socks, even when matching, do tend to be odd at the best of times… eye-wateringly painful at the worst) I will be at the cutting edge of odd-sock fashion… An odd sock fashionista. I shall be begged to adorn the catwalks of Paris, Milan and Peckham… Jean-Paul Gaultier will be weeping in to his basque and I may need to garner a look like Ben Stiller in Zoolander… I call this one Maverick…Anywho\’s if you do find a weekend lying about the place can you chuck it back over the fence…**I Can\’t Believe It\’s Not Saturday Monday Hugs**DB xxx

  2. OK, you convinced me: PRISON is the best. I\’ll just shoot myself in the foot (in the left one as I already did it in the right one) andmaybe I get jail time for gun possession (damn … so many sss in this word, I have a knotted on my thongue now). Thee ya latther. LOVE, Aleth xxxx

  3. HiYeah I did french and German too! And Latin!!!! How mad was that?I\’m not doing very well at spanish, I just blunder by. But long as I know how to ask for wine, beer, vodka, taxi (not necessarliy in that order) I guess I\’ll do fine :o)Weather is starting to warm up now, so out and about a lot :o)xxx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: