Is it daylight?

 
 
I have a banging headache,  Ive run out of fags and for some reason I only slept for about two minutes last night.  So it occurs to me this is the perfect time to give you my review of the Twilight books by Stephanie Meyers. (Twilight,  New Moon,  Eclipse and Breaking Dawn).
 
I know Im not the target audience,  but darling daughter had them so I had a borrow to see what all the fuss was about.
 
SPOILER ALERT – DONT GO ON IF YOURE GONNA READ THEM.
 
So in the first book Twilight,  we are introduced to our heroine,  Bella who has got to be one of the wettest most pathetic female characters ever.
The plot line is basically girl meets (vampire Edward) boy. Sadly,  to him she smells like MaccyDs,  KFC and the local kebab shop all rolled into one and so he spends his time fighting the urge to eat her and being all manly and a bit emo angsty. She flounders about dropping things,  and tripping over non existent rocks (yes mrs author – we get the message,  shes clumsy so shut up already)  and is generally completely wet and  mesmerized by his Godlike looks.  Over and over again til I wanted to slap her.
So then they get together for ever, never to part.
 
New Moon begins with the afore mentioned Mrs Wet having a birthday party at the vampires house where she gets a paper cut (if she ever listened to Linkin Park she’d know just how bad that can be). At this point Eddies brother, Jasper,  who hasnt quite got his head round not eating people tries to eat her.  Now see this in itself was a huge plot hole for me.  You tellin me this kids been at school for a year and noone had a nose bleed or got a paper cut or anything.  So Eddie all angst ridden about how dangerous he is for her, heads off into the wilds leaving Bella to do what she does best,  be pathetic and mope about, oh and in a new plot twist develop a death wish.  Like I didnt dislike her enough already.
She then becomes best buddies with a fella called Jacob Black,  who it just so happens later in the book turns into a werewolf,  the mortal enemy of the Wampyreee.
So then right, Eddie gets the wrong end of the stick and thinks Bella with her death wish has managed to pull if off (by this point Im wishing she has) so he tries to top himself (Missy Meyers shamelessly steals many of her plot lines from Shakespeare). Bella then nicks off, dumping poor Jacob ( dont worry we will lose all sympathy for him at a later point) who she has lead on shamelessly,  cos it turns out shes not only a wet weekend,  shes a heartless biatch too. She heads off to Italy with Eddie’s sister,  Alice,  to rescue him from a band of eeeeevil wampyrees called the Voldamorts… I mean Volturi.
So then they are together again never to be parted again ever ever,  poor blinkin Jacob.
 
Book three can be mostly skimmed over,  Vampires and werewolves hate eachother,  Eddie and Jacob hate eachother,  Bella hates herself bla bla…..  band together to fight a common enemy.  Win. Together for ever never to be parted bla bla… The end.
 
Now book four is where we really begin to suspect our author has moved on from puffin a little weed to a hearty crack addiction.
It begins with our two main characters gettin married,  and heading off to fantasy island to have a bit of bow chicka bow wow. Theres alot of fading to black goin on,  but we know fine well what theyre doin.
So this is where it really starts to unravel and I really do wonder just who these books are aimed at. Bella eats alot of eggs cos it turns out shes preggers. Then she gets really ill cos noone seems to twig she needs to drink blood cos of the vampire baby.  The baby grows at an unfeasable rate,  kicking the crap out of her from the inside.  Eddie is angst ridden (yet again),  Jacob hates Eddie (so no change there).
The baby is born by biting its way out of mommas uterus breaking half her bones and her spine in the process (I knoooooooow I mean bleuuuuuurgh… Mrs Authur protects our fragile minds from sex,  and yet subjects us to one of the most horrendous birthing scenes Ive ever read). Bella is saved by being turned into a Wampyreeee.
At this point she also turns into a bimbo, immediately giving up her normal clothes for posh frocks and high heels.
Meanwhile Jacob does this really creepy thing and falls madly in love for ever and ever with…. (it dont get much yuckier than this) the baby.  Oh yes.  We the reader are supposed to think this is ok cos hes not planning on doing her quite yet and apparently its just a werewolf thing. Oh and they call the baby Renesmee (a mixture of their two mothers names and possibly the most stupid name ever invented) but Jacob nicknames his toddler future wife Nessie… (You losing the will to live yet cos I was). 
So then theres supposed to be this epic fight with the Voldamort vampires, and for no apparent reason after a lifetime of being called Jasper, Eddies brother is suddenly nicknamed Jazz (hands). So anyway back to the non fight.  It turns out Bella has this magical power we shall just call a shield of lurrrrv, and Alice who was supposed to have done a runner comes back. The baddies basically feel a bit outnumbered and go away,  taking a bunch of unfinished plot lines with them. Bella and Eddie are together for ever and always… ZZzzzz 
 
Its complete bollox and I wish Eddie had just eaten her in the beginning.
 
 
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5 Responses to “Is it daylight?”

  1. I look forward to seeing your article in the Times on Sunday;-))x

  2. Emma Louise Says:

    AMEN!!!! At last someone agrees with me!!! 😀 xxx

  3. Thanks for this valuable public service. I have had the Twilight DVD for some time and have never gotten around to watching it. Never really fancied it but it was always there in case 900 channels of sky had nothing for me to watch. You have saved me a chore anyway – sounds like a story I have seen a million times before!Good for you on your HRH – you should have a Duchy and a Marquis-dom too – title by birthright – Pah!!NOt really surprised Disney stores had them too but for me, whilst the yanks lap uip that kind of attention us northerners just like to be left alone to get on with it. I hate being approached in shops or anyone even talking to me when I walk in a shop – if someone does, I usually walk striaght back out again.Anyhoo have a good day your daffness – do I need to bow or anything?Pete

  4. Planet Nicola Says:

    Hiya, thanks for popping over a while ago. Not had chance to write back, but it\’s good to see you\’re still on-form! "Real life" sucks – but mind you, this ^ fantasy malarchy is way too much to take in sometimes.Please please pleaseee, send this into Amazon book review. I laughed so much I nearly puked up blood : D Such a great (and honest) book review. In some ways I quite liked the film because it wasn\’t all about sex, Bella wasn\’t all the stereo typical Californian \’wotevvver\’ girl. And I suppose it was sort of an easy going, not too violent film that i would be happy to let my thirteen year old watch and not get any bad ideas from. But then again, it was a little (if not ALOT) cheesy and had some very corny moments. Um, like the \’running up the tree\’ scene : S At least I don\’t need to read the book now! lol : ))) Take care of yourself and try and get some kip in! xxxnic

  5. YOU HAVEN\’T HAD LEMON MARMALADE????? Where the hell have ya bin???Ya gotta try it…….. ya just gotta…….cuz it\’s yummy, yummy, yum yummy yum.Tiddler did good last weekend and we all had a wonderful time. hope you and yours are all ok and for goodness sake woman…..GET SOME SLEEP!! ;O)Hugs hun, Tootsie xx

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